Grief, “Am I Doing It Right?” Understanding the Complex Emotions of Loss
Why We Question If We’re Grieving the “Right Way”
Grief is often mistaken for sadness alone, but anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one, a pet, or even a former chapter of life knows it’s far more complex.
One of the most common questions I hear is: “Am I doing it right?”
This belief—that grief has a “right” way or a set timeline—creates unnecessary pressure and self-judgment.
The Wide Range of Emotions in Grief
In the grief support groups I facilitate, participants share emotions such as:
Sadness and sorrow
Guilt and shame
Anger and frustration
Gratitude and connection
Loneliness and abandonment
Exhaustion and overwhelm
The emotional spectrum of grief is vast, and often contradictory. You may feel sorrow and gratitude in the same breath. Every feeling is valid. There is no “wrong” way to grieve.
Misunderstanding the Kubler-Ross Model
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief model is widely misunderstood. She originally created it to describe the emotional process of those facing terminal illness—not for those left behind after a loss.
Although it’s tempting to view grief as a linear, step-by-step process, this framework can leave people feeling like they’re “failing” at grief when it doesn’t fit their experience. Grief is not linear. It has no clear endpoint.
Coping with Grief: Tips to Support Yourself
1. You’re Not Doing It Wrong
Your grief will never look exactly like someone else’s. Release the pressure to follow a timeline or a set of rules.
2. Focus on Coping, Not “Healing”
Healing suggests grief will end. Coping acknowledges that grief changes us—and that we can learn to live with it.
3. Find a Supportive Community
Grieving alone can be isolating. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family can help you feel seen and validated.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same care you’d offer a close friend. With time and space, grief will shift and soften.
Moving Through Grief with Support
Grief is heavy, but it doesn’t have to be carried alone. With the right tools—like mindfulness, therapy, and community—you can find ways to cope that bring more steadiness and compassion into your life.
If you’re seeking grief therapy in the Hudson Valley, Rhinebeck or New York, or want to learn more about grief support groups, I’m here to help. Reach out to connect.
